Crimson Trace Introduces New LightsaberGuard


Capitalizing on the success of their green laser line, Crimson Trace announced their new, innovative line of LightsaberGuard pistol bayonets today. Speaking from Crimson Trace headquarters at Coruscant, Oregon, LightsaberGuard product manager Obi-Faw Kenobi said the new product would be available only for CZ pistols at this moment.

“The force is strong with CZ,” said Kenobi. “They do, they don’t try, and we reached out with our feelings to them to create a new hope for owners of CZ’s on this planet and other planets in a galaxy far, far, away.”

While not announced at the press conference, a slightly different version of the LightsaberGuard with a red laser and lights coming out the sides of the unit was spotted recently on a range in Virginia, being wielded by a mysterious figure known only as Darth Grazio, but a release date for this product has not been announced.

About That “Gun Violence” Phrase…

I decided to do a test to see just how violent guns really are. For the last week, I’ve been taunting my guns: I’ve humiliated them by adding on accessories from Tapco, yelled all manner of insults at them, (“Oh yeah, well, you’re so ugly, yo momma was a Hi-Point!!”), even punched them right in the muzzle (which only hurt my hand).

None of this had any effect: My guns just sat there and did nothing. I can only conclude one of two things:

  1. My guns are pacifists.
  2. There is no such thing as “gun violence”.

I’m going with #2 for now, until the .gov gives a lot of money to research this further, that is…