The Environmental Protection Agency has rolled out extensive new regulations to stop the spread of the free press in order to stop it before it becomes a danger to the Washington, D.C. ecosphere.
“We need to look at the lifecycle of the press corps in terms of how it interacts with the other parts of the ecology here in our nation’s capitol,” said EPA Assistant Deputy Undersecretary for Political Pest Control Dee Deetee. “Clearly, right now, having a press corps that asks questions and threatens the status quo is unhealthy and unsustainable to the power structure in Washington, so every effort must be made to disrupt their hunting grounds and keep them from spreading to close to important power centers within Washington.”
Ms DeeTee stressed that these tough new controls on the press are only limited to certain areas of Washington, and that the press would be free to roam around unfettered asking questions about Marco Rubio’s boat payments and Scott Walker’s sweaters.
“It’s about balance,” she said. “Where Scott Walker buys his clothes is of equal importance to the long-term sustainability of both the EPA and Washington as a whole than such trivial matters as who killed who in Benghazi. We need to look at the bigger picture here, and what we, as the EPA, can do to prevent the spread of questions to places where they’re unwanted and un-called for.”
Reports that the IRS is underwriting the cost of this new effort remain unconfirmed at this time.
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